Getting Back to my Heart
I’m going to attempt to write the post that I said I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to. But this blog is about me, and that’s where this comes in. Alot of things have changed for me in the last couple of years. I changed jobs, I started blogging in earnest, I moved into my own apartment, I made some of the most amazing friends I have ever had and I’m only sorry that they’re spread across the country.
In that same amount of time, there have naturally been negative changes. There are only two I want to talk about: I stopped going to church, and I’ve become a person that I don’t want to be. People who know me may or may not believe my next sentence, but I believe it to be true. I am not a nice person. I’m not trying to say that I’m just a completely nasty person who is incapable of being nice… I just mean, I am not the person I know I could and should be. There are days when people are grating on my nerves, and it’s all I can do not to growl out loud and I don’t recognize that person who is sitting at my desk. I was watching a service online from a couple weeks ago and the thing that sticks out in my head that Jason said that pertains to this is “That’s not what God looks like.”
I went to church tonight… for the first time (other than Christmas and special occasions) in about two years and I went alone. And I’m glad I did. It was a good thing, especially since I wasn’t completely sure I’d go until I actually got out of the car in the church parking lot. It’s been weighing on my heart for a couple days, and being there was a balm to my soul. If you’re not a church-going person, you won’t understand that sentiment, so you’ll have to take my word for it. Another thing that was said a couple weeks ago that I’m holding on to is “the past is past. We have to deal with now and move into the future.” My paraphrase, of course.
I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I don’t know what this means for the coming hours and days and weeks. I only know that it’s where I’m at right now. And it starts with having gone to church tonight. He asked me to, and I went.
Oh, remember the guy I said was easy on the eyes? Guess who ended up sitting next to me at church tonight? Listening to God is not without its rewards. 
January 24th, 2008 at 11:39 pm
I’m glad you made it back to church! I hope you can figure out what you need to do to become a nice person! Your job might have something to do with it. I hated my locksmithing job and I think that is why I was fairly rude to a lot of my customers.
January 25th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Congrats on taking that step. I love your “reward” – God is so funny, lol. Love it.
January 25th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Jenn, I spent the better part of my 30’s really discovering who I am. I thought I knew, but we’re always changing. We aren’t stagnant.
Positive changes are great…each step forward brings us closer to our true selves.
Having something to care about, and knowing others care about you can also help greatly
January 27th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Good for you! You’ve taken a huge step in getting back to the person you know you can be. I agree with (and love) your last sentence. God does reward those who listen to Him, some of us just have to wait a little longer to find our reward! Glad you got yours right away. Maybe God was giving you incentive to return to church!
January 29th, 2008 at 1:43 am
Jenn, I walked away from church for almost 20 years. It’s a long story, but it was painful. I didn’t like myself then, either. I’m so glad you’re finding some positives again. You’re in my prayers, Kiddo.
January 1st, 2009 at 4:03 pm
[...] to watch shows, and I quit missing things I wanted to watch because I set the VCR wrong. I went back to church, which was a nice change at the time, but I think I stopped going to church again in [...]