Growing Thicker Skin
I didn’t mean to let yesterday slip past me without a post… it just happened! I was busy doing other things while I was at work, and then when I got home, I had to fill out a “talent performance summary sheet” for work. So I worked on that for awhile, got dinner, and then it was time to church. When I got home, I watched the American Idol results and finished my summary sheet and went to bed!
Now I’m at work, and I’m thinking about the need to be a little more thick skinned. I don’t think it’s ever beneficial to cry at work, especially when your higher ups (and most of your coworkers) are male, but that hasn’t prevented me from doing so on a few occasions. It doesn’t help that I have a tendency to cry when I’m mad. But my big issue is that I take everything so danged personally, and I don’t know how to stop. I have a hard time accepting criticism, constructive or otherwise. And in the workplace, that’s just not the greatest attribute to have. I’d like to look as outwardly unaffected as if we were talking about medicare advantage or the weather, but I just don’t find that possible. I made a valiant effort the last time my boss called me into his office, and I made it for awhile… but the longer the meeting went, the harder it was to stay calm. One tear slipped out, he saw it and said “Oh, no don’t do that” and there was no staying composed after that. The fact that he gets really uncomfortable with the sight of tears just underscores the necessity to stay composed.
If anybody has some suggestions as to how to grow a thicker skin, and to stop taking things so personally, I’d love to hear them. I’ve got this on my mind today because some comments were made earlier that managed to get under my skin, and I’m trying not to let it bother me. Especially since it only started out serious, and now he’s just pushing the point because he saw that it got to me and he thinks it’s funny to push my buttons.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:56 am
I don’t have any suggestions for you, but wanted to tell you you’re not alone. You have just described me to a T! And I know it’s totally frustrating and embarrassing.
March 7th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I have that very same problem. I cry when I get mad, sad, nervous, scared. And don’t even show me something happy, like a wedding, or the birth of a baby! It’s really embarrassing! If you do learn any tricks, I hope you’ll let me know.
March 7th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I was searching for a book or website to help me “get a thicker skin” when I found your post. I take everything personally too. I try so hard not to, but it’s difficult. I envy the women who can refrain from showing emotion in workplace situations. And men? They just let it roll off. I wish I had some practical advice on how to be less emotional. It certainly doesn’t help that if you’re assertive or straightforward (like men would be), they think you’re a mean, uppity woman.
March 8th, 2008 at 7:18 am
A technique I’ve used before – not that I cry of course because I’m a man and we’re not permitted to do that under pain of getting thrown out the global man-club, but I’ve been in similar situations – is to project a puffed-up image of yourself. Breathe in deeply so you feel your lungs filling and sense your chest expanding, then extend that sensation. Think of yourself as growing, filling the room slowly. Imagine your back and neck are getting straighter and that you’re stretching without moving. The important place to get to is a feeling of being bigger than the other person in the room and of looking down on them. Once your fear dissipates you’ll be able to take any criticism with thoughts such as: “you can’t hurt me, nothing you say can bother me, I could stomp on you from here.”
Sounds a little psychotic – and it may well be – but it works for me.
Warning: no “I crush your head” actions with your fingers. Generally-speaking, this doesn’t go down well in meetings.
March 15th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Don’t have the crying thing but I do take things personally far too often. My reaction is generally anger or restrained anger that is all too evident in my clenched jaw or flushed cheeks. What’s worse is that I can feel the heat rising in my face and just know I’m giving everything away while remaining otherwise composed. I hate it.
The only thing that ever works for me is enough advance time to really divest myself of any emotional commitment to the scenario I’m about to enter. For example, if I’m going to propose an idea at work, I spend some time convincing myself that, hey, it’s just an idea. Who cares if nobody likes it. I’ll even go so far as convincing myself they definitely WON’T like it – leaving me free to propose in a manner that is often taken as cool, collected and purely business focused.
Works alright, but when I’m caught off guard without prep time, it’s still blushing, jaw clenching and the works.
Look at it this way though – I’d rather be a rich canvas (deep) full of vibrant color (feelings and emotions) than just another one of the selfish sociopathic emotional voids trying to climb the corporate ladder around me.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Well, I know I’m a little late. I typed ‘thicker skin’ in the google box and your site came up. People try to ruin my day everyday. You have to know that you are ‘the one’. You regard special qualities nobody else has. In a sense, society sees emotional expressions as a sign of weakness. I see it as being real. I cry when I get mad but especially when I have believed I have done my best at something and somebody else disagrees. I have to remind myself over and over again that what anyone else says to me I can’t control. But I can control my attitude and my outlook on life. Remind yourself even in the littlest ways that you are great. Just like the entry before me… puff yourself up. Try Yoga, or meditation where focus on your connection with something higher can help you gain strength.
On a smaller note,—> Don’t let yourself believe that you are sensitive. KNOW that you are strong. Practice saying it to yourself. Breathe deeply with it.
I still struggle with remembering these things because I have a temper. But mentally preparing yourself before the situation can help greatly.
January 1st, 2009 at 4:03 pm
[...] March, I decided I needed to learn to have thicker skin at work. I’m not sure it’s worked, so maybe that still on the list of things to [...]
September 4th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Hey there, just wanted to say interesting bunch of posts. Thank you all, i found it very informative and I too take every little thing personally sometimes. I think the best way to not take it so personally is to realize that we are not the center of the universe and not take ourselves TOO seriously. But this is easier said than done.