Footprints on the Moon

Honestly, I’ve been debating whether to write this or not. Time stretches longer and longer between updates on this blog, and a lot of the reason is because most of my life outside of work centers around derby. And to be honest, I become more and more disillusioned with derby as the days go by. It feels like roller derby is a bad boyfriend. You know the one I’m talking about– he uses you, and doesn’t treat you all that well when you really think about it, but you love him and you remember how good things used to be so you stay anyway. Yeah… it’s kind of like that.

It’s a little weird to talk about. I usually confide in a few trusted people and outwardly pretend like everything is fine. But that’s not very genuine (or Jennuine) and anyone who knows me knows that I just don’t have it in me to fake it for very long. I’ve hit that wall, and so here it is: I’m not happy. It started with a lot of people– my support system– leaving the league for various reasons because they were unhappy. Its culminated in not being even rostered as an alternate for the only two bouts this season that I have been eligible. I’m hurt, I’m frustrated, and I don’t understand what the hell I’m doing wrong.

I wish I could wrap this all up with a nice sunshiny, happy conclusion, but I don’t have one. I wrote this whole post while mopping up huge crocodile tears. I wish I knew what to do. I am not ready to give this thing up, but I’ve also had way more “why the hell do I bother?” moments lately than I’m comfortable with. And I don’t know how to fix it.

I hope you all enjoyed your very first day of 2012! I know that I, for one, certainly enjoyed all the hangover posts rolling in on Facebook this morning!

I can’t say I did a whole lot with my day today. I’ve been desperately in need of a trip to the grocery store, so I spent my morning running errands– returning the DVDs I rented to Redbox, mailing a package, gas in the car and groceries. I made the mistake of not eating breakfast before I went to the store. I am determined to get back on plan though, so I made it back out of Meijer with very little damage. I came home with lots of fruits and veggies, and was only a little light headed by the time I got all the groceries carried in.

I spent most of the rest of the day on the couch watching Angel, but I did make a big pot of chili for dinner this week and process all the veggies I bought for lunch salads and snacking. The last two weeks have been pretty horrible, weight watchers-wise, so I’m determined to make this one a good one! So far, so good! I didn’t even use a single weekly point today and I’m already in bed and hyped up on NyQuil for the night. I have tomorrow’s food planned out already, so I’m hopeful that it will go just as well.