Footprints on the Moon

Honestly, I’ve been debating whether to write this or not. Time stretches longer and longer between updates on this blog, and a lot of the reason is because most of my life outside of work centers around derby. And to be honest, I become more and more disillusioned with derby as the days go by. It feels like roller derby is a bad boyfriend. You know the one I’m talking about– he uses you, and doesn’t treat you all that well when you really think about it, but you love him and you remember how good things used to be so you stay anyway. Yeah… it’s kind of like that.

It’s a little weird to talk about. I usually confide in a few trusted people and outwardly pretend like everything is fine. But that’s not very genuine (or Jennuine) and anyone who knows me knows that I just don’t have it in me to fake it for very long. I’ve hit that wall, and so here it is: I’m not happy. It started with a lot of people– my support system– leaving the league for various reasons because they were unhappy. Its culminated in not being even rostered as an alternate for the only two bouts this season that I have been eligible. I’m hurt, I’m frustrated, and I don’t understand what the hell I’m doing wrong.

I wish I could wrap this all up with a nice sunshiny, happy conclusion, but I don’t have one. I wrote this whole post while mopping up huge crocodile tears. I wish I knew what to do. I am not ready to give this thing up, but I’ve also had way more “why the hell do I bother?” moments lately than I’m comfortable with. And I don’t know how to fix it.

My dad moved to Oklahoma last weekend, so I didn’t get to spend the day with him today. Still, in honor of the occasion, here is a picture of the two of us when I graduated college 6 years ago!

I had a good and busy weekend! Friday I called my dad’s mom and asked her what she was doing for dinner, so we headed to Texas Roadhouse. Mmm…

Saturday morning, I got up and decided to join some of the derby girls at the rink for lessons. After a snack and a shower, some of us headed north to Kalamazoo to watch the Killamazoo Derby Darlins take on the Naptown Warning Belles. It was a super exciting bout, and a good time was had by all!

This morning was a scrimmage practice and it kicked my booty! We tend to have a lower attendance on Sundays so we do very short scrimmages, if any at all. But we had a very experienced ref from another league in town so we scrimmaged pretty much the whole practice. We were playing 8 on 8, so there were not very many opportunities to rest! I left there and went to Chipotle to grab lunch… and I had to try twice to open the door to the restaurant because I was so tired and the door was heavier than I expected! lol No need for panic drug treatment centers, it was just me being plain old WORN OUT.

I was pretty useless for the rest of the day… I did get a load of laundry done (it was a desperate situation), and made chicken salad for lunches this week, but mostly I’ve lounged on the couch all day watching Dexter. And I called my daddy to say Happy Father’s Day, of course!

I did not post here the entire month of May! That month was full to the brim of derby, and I was way too busy looking at bout pictures on Facebook to come post about it. Bout pictures make me happy. And they’re about the only pictures that never send me looking for the best cellulite treatment. Derby is empowering, y’all. Anyway… the month o’ derby started with a home bout for our league’s local teams.

MAYday Michiana, May 6, 2011
SBRG: The Lake Effect vs. The Bonnie Dooms

This bout was… interesting. I won’t go into all the details, but this bout was not without its drama. A couple of league skaters were dismissed in the weeks leading up to this bout, and on bout day a few skaters from both teams pulled themselves from the roster for various reasons. Both teams went into the bout with shaken up rosters and morale. But the first whistle blew, and everyone put the drama behind them to skate their butts off and put on a good show for our audience.

Early in the second half of this bout, I took a really hard fall and hurt my back. Being the wonderful team player that I am, I skated the rest of the bout anyway! (Yes, I’m on the medical committee and frequently tell people not to skate while injured…. bout vs. practice, do as I say not as I do, etc…) In fact, once everything was said and done, I was fairly convinced that I’d cracked a rib. Some ice and some painkillers later though, and everything was feeling much better by morning.

Final score: Bonnie Dooms 111, Lake Effect 98

Spring Roll!, May 14, 2011
SBRG Studebreakers vs. FWDG SWAT team and SBRG Studebreakers vs PVRD Weapons of Mass Destruction

The following weekend found us in Fort Wayne for the Spring Roll tournament! In the picture above, I’m number 75 on the left, holding a wall with my teammate, Gore Gore Bordella. We skated two bouts this day… the first was at the lovely early time of 8am against Ft. Wayne’s SWAT team. It was a rough one for me… In the first half, I spent some time behind a wall of Ft. Wayne girls– what we call being the goat. And being the goat SUCKS. In the second half, due to some decisions by the coaches, miscommunications, stars aligning, what have you… I ended up skating in only one jam. So I spent most of that half of the bout getting upset that I was obviously (in my mind) sucking so bad that I wasn’t even allowed to play. Yeaaahhh… not fun. And since my emotions are hard wired to my tear ducts. A fun 30-40 minutes of calming down after that bout ensued. Final Score: FWDG 175, SBRG 105

Then we had a looong break, getting lunch, watching juniors and men’s derby play and then we went up against Pioneer Valley’s women’s team at 5:30 pm. It was a penalty heavy bout for our team, and I really think we could have won this game if we could have kept our girls on the track. There was at least one occasion where it was all 5 of their skaters on the track for PVRD… aaaaand just me for SBRG. HA! That was fun. Cough. But these ladies were super sweet, and fun to play. After that jam of me vs. all of them, they said sorry for picking on me and complimented my attempts to break free. A lot of my teammates were really frustrated, but I think I used up my quota of upset for the day after bout one, so I just had a good time with bout two even though we didn’t win in the end. Final score: PVRD 139, SBRG 100

And last but not least for the month of May, we headed down to Lafayette for MayDay Mayhem, May 21, 2011
South Bend Studebreakers vs. Lafayette Brawlin’ Dolls

I don’t know what to say about this bout except it was just FUN. We turned out to be really evenly matched with the LBD girls, and this bout was a fight down to the end. There were plenty of lead changes and ties to go around, but when the final whistle sounded, SBRG was ahead by 11 points. It’s always fun to play, but I gotta tell ya… winning feels good

We had such a good time playing Lafayette though, I would have still had just as much fun if the score had come out the other way around. They were great to play AND hang out with at the after party! Definitely looking forward to a rematch with these ladies at some point in the future.

Final Score: SBRG 88, LBD 77

Then we rounded out the month of May with derby break: a much needed week without practices, most of which I spent on my couch watching Netflix, eating candy, and finally cleaning my apartment before it was officially labeled a biohazard. So there you are… kind of long, but that’s what I was up to for the last month I wasn’t writing!