Today I find myself ruminating on being kind. I had a situation where I found myself being rather rude to someone, and felt like I earned the disapproval of someone I respect at the same time. Now, I did pretty immediately recognize that the situation should have been handled differently, so I guess I’ll allow myself some credit for not just blundering ahead and patting myself on the back in righteous indignation.

It bothers me that it happened in the first place though. I describe myself as a cynic, as I definitely seem to be one. Pessimistic by nature, sure, but being negative all the time is fairly emotionally draining. It’s been niggling at me all evening since I got home from work so I decided to google change. For whatever reason, the search term that popped into my head was “learn how to be kind.” I was thinking, I suppose, that I’d find articles that helped me learn how to treat people better. I was a little startled (humbled, sad) to discover that the majority of the results were articles on being kind to yourself.

But of course. How can you be a nice, pleasant, and kind person to someone else when you are not able to be kind to yourself? If all you ever say to yourself is negative, how you can you possibly project positive things to other people?

I am a pretty classic introvert, but I’m also pretty dang mean to myself. I internalize EVERYTHING. Surely, not every weekend I spend at home alone on my couch is because I’m a failure as a person, but that sure is what I tell myself a lot of the time. I stopped skating, writing, losing weight because I don’t feel WORTHY. I miss out on places, restaurants, movies, cities I want to experience because I am too scared and self-conscious to go alone. Or ask someone to go with. Like anyone would care if I ate a meal by myself, so why do I imagine judging eyes on me all the time? I’m fairly certain that the only one judging me is me.

How do you stop? How do you stop being your own worst enemy? Stop being TOXIC to yourself and allowing negativity to seep into every corner of your life? I don’t know. I don’t know, but I’d sure like to find out. Because at my core I am a little girl who does not feel worthy of love, yours or her own, and I so so so desperately want not to be.

Admitting there’s a problem is the first step, right?

On Friday, December 14, 2012, tragedy occurred in Newton, Connecticut. 26 lives were taken. 6 adults and 20 tiny angels were lost. I don’t want to talk about the killer. I don’t want to talk about mental health. I don’t want to talk about gun control. I just want to talk about heart break.

I don’t have many words… does anyone? All I could manage to post on my Facebook on Friday afternoon was a single status: “The world is a scary place. I don’t have any babies, so please hold yours extra tight for me, okay?” I think the majority of our nation was feeling the same thing I was… a desperate desire to hold our children close and offer whatever protection we could. To hold them tight and make sure they know how much they are loved and cared for.

My heart breaks continuously. I cry when the reality of the situation hits me. I cry when I read the names of those who were killed. I cried when I watched the video that I linked above. I cry when I think about my own almost-six-year-old nephew and thought about him not coming home from school. There’s time enough for politics later. For now, let’s just love Newton. Let’s respect the adults that lost their lives doing their jobs, and those babies who don’t get to go home to their mommies and daddies. Oh, those precious babies.

My heart breaks all over again, and I cry.

(Source)

I hope you all enjoyed your very first day of 2012! I know that I, for one, certainly enjoyed all the hangover posts rolling in on Facebook this morning!

I can’t say I did a whole lot with my day today. I’ve been desperately in need of a trip to the grocery store, so I spent my morning running errands– returning the DVDs I rented to Redbox, mailing a package, gas in the car and groceries. I made the mistake of not eating breakfast before I went to the store. I am determined to get back on plan though, so I made it back out of Meijer with very little damage. I came home with lots of fruits and veggies, and was only a little light headed by the time I got all the groceries carried in.

I spent most of the rest of the day on the couch watching Angel, but I did make a big pot of chili for dinner this week and process all the veggies I bought for lunch salads and snacking. The last two weeks have been pretty horrible, weight watchers-wise, so I’m determined to make this one a good one! So far, so good! I didn’t even use a single weekly point today and I’m already in bed and hyped up on NyQuil for the night. I have tomorrow’s food planned out already, so I’m hopeful that it will go just as well.

* A new winter coat. Mine is still serviceable, but I bought it when I was quite a bit heavier so it’s pretty big on me. It will survive another winter.
* Long underwear. My work pants, they are thin. Indiana winters, they are cold. My work area, it is drafty.
* Sweatpants/comfy pants – since I gave away everything that no longer fits, I have very few comfy pants to wear. Actually, I have very few pants at all since I have one pair of track pants and one pair of jeans. That’s pretty much it.
* ace custom wheels. Okay, not really. But I do want new wheels for my roller skates. Since switching to a new setup, the ones I have now are too soft and I could really do with something a bit firmer. But the floor at the skating rink gets a lot slicker during the winter when it gets cold so hopefully they can get me through a few more months and I can look for something else with my tax check.
* Yarn! Well, why not? There’s always something I want to crochet, but yarn costs monies. Boo. This is definitely a want because I have enough unfinished projects and a cheap yarn stash to keep me busy for a year. That seems beside the point.
* Weight Watchers. We’ve discussed this.
* Many, many other things I would love to have, but can’t justify. Being a grown-up stinks, y’all.

I played with one of the derby girls’ kitten, The Flash.

I got a pretty awesome bruise on my belly from being at the bottom of a “dog pile” at a scrimmage.

I finally baked, and posted something at my cooking blog! You can check out the Cake Batter Bars at Jenn Cooks.

I painted my nails teal and black to support SBRG before a bout. (Please ignore the polish in places it’s not supposed to be.)

Lucy held me hostage on the couch. Seriously… she’s holding on to my hand, and would tighten her grip any time I tried to pull my hand away. Aww. And then she bit me. lol

Not pictured: The scale. This post brought to you by the HCG diet Austin that I need to be on. Or back on. Whatever. Point is… weight, still doing scary things. Not cool. It’s my own fault, but that’s beside the point!

My baby girl kitty in a rare calm moment.

I spent pretty much the entirety of last weekend crocheting on the couch and watching “Besterns.” Aka the WFTDA Western Regional Playoffs! (This weekend is South Central and next weekend is North Central Regional playoffs. Visit DerbyAccess to watch for free!)

We got our league pictures taken by the fabulous James Korn. Here is Jennuine Pain!

And these are my rocks in the league. My beautiful and amazing “derby wives”: Star Cross’d Shover and Naw D. Beaver.

I got plenty of Lucy-kitty snuggles.

The bill from the surgeon arrived and made me consider a second job in rv towing. This doesn’t include the ER visit, ER doctor, or anesthesiologist.

Pudge got some last minute snuggles before Killian arrived to spend the night. (Once Killian gets here, he hides under the bed. Or sits in the hallway hissing.)

About five minutes after he insisted that No, no, no, NO, he did not want to watch that! I’m trying to expand my nephew’s horizons beyond Toy Story and Sponge Bob and he’s having none of it. He’ll usually watch what I put on anyway, but with periodic protests. Now we’re watching Chicken Little for the second time.

“Happy Birthday Aunt Jennifer, 28″

He’s totally a better artist at 4 than I will ever be…

<3 Killian

The only thing on the back is that big green bow that you can see sticking out in the first picture. Is that not wonderful?! My brother's definitely got it easy for birthdays from now on. No need to buy expensive presents, like TJFormal prom dresses (no, I don’t know why he would, just go with it)… all he has to do is pull out some construction paper and the kid’s art supplies, and everyone will just be tickled to death to get it. Aunt Jennifer was anyway